I think most people struggle with the death of a loved one and don’t know how to maneuver through the emotions and decisions that follow. I know I did. The book ‘Understanding Your Grief’ shares 6 important ideas that help.
If you are hoping for a map for your journey through grief, none exists. Your wilderness is an undiscovered wilderness and you its first explorer. But virtually all mourners who have journeyed before you have found that their paths are similar. There are more commonalities than there are differences. Here are a six things that will help you in the journey.
1. Accept the Reality of the Death.
You can know something in your head but not in your heart. This is what often happens when someone you love dies. It is important to gently confront the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. You may expect him or her to come through the door, to call on the telephone, or even to touch you. But you will eventually have to come to the reality of death.
2. Let Yourself Feel the Pain of the Loss.
To embrace the pain of our loss is something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it. As you encounter your pain, you will also need to nurture yourself physically, emotionally, cognitively, socially, and spiritually. Eat well, rest often, and exercise regularly. Find others with whom you can share your painful thoughts and feelings; friends who listen without judging are your most important helpers as you work on this mourning need.
3. Remember the Person Who Died.
Do you have any kind of relationship with people after they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs, clothing, etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. The following are a few example of things you can do to keep memories alive: Talk out or write out favorite memories. Give yourself permission to keep some special keepsakes. Display photos of the person who died. Visit places of special significance that stimulate memories of times shared together. Review photo albums at special times such as holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.
4. Develop a New Self-Identity.
Your personal identity, or self-perception, is the result of the ongoing process of establishing a sense of who you are. Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, buy the groceries, and balance the checkbook. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and, at times, can leave you feeling very drained of emotional, physical, and spiritual energy. To be dependent on others as you struggle with a changed identity does not make you weak, bad, or inferior. Your self-identity has been assaulted. Be compassionate with yourself. Accept the support of others.
5. Search for Meaning.
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty. It is at this time that God wants to communicate to you His love. Turn to Him.
6. Let Others Help You— Now and Always.
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your work of mourning will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot— nor should you try to— do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow grievers, or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.
Have you discovered any help to struggle through the loss of a loved one?
Trackbacks/Pingbacks