Have you ever been in a conversation and it seemed like everyone was talking over each other? Or have you ever stopped listening to someone because you were trying to figure what you were going to say?
I know I have made both these blunders and more. The key to communication is understanding. But when we think we are right, we often quit listening and try to pressure our view on others. And when people feel like others aren’t listening, tempers get hot.
So, how can we have a real conversation so everyone expresses their viewpoint and all understand one another. It really is a process but the key is to slow down the conversation. Let me give you one practical tools you can use – a talking stick.
An old Native American custom uses a ‘talking stick.’ Men would sit in a circle to discuss an issue. Only the person with the talking stick could talk.Only the person with the ‘talking stick’ has the right to speak. All others sit and listen.
I have used this concept using any type of object like a pencil or napkin. All the people sit around a kitchen or office table. The first person holds the ‘talking stick’ and speaks about what they want others to understand.
Now, here’s the key. After the person has said what they want, they hand the ‘talking stick’ to someone else. That person must recite back what the first person said. This ensures that they understood what was said. And it will allow the first person to know they have been understood.
Once the second person attempts to mirror back what the first person said, they hand the ‘talking stick’ back. The original person must either agree or disagree that they were understood. Once understood, the second person can speak and the back-and-forth ‘talking stick’ continues. If they were not understood, they must repeat their original statement.
It is surprising how often a person does not really hear what is being said. Sometimes they hear what they want to hear. Sometimes they read more into the statement that is said. Emotions can cloud our understanding of what a person says.
Just let me warn you, a ‘talking stick’ slows down the conversation. It can seem to last forever. Going back and forth takes time. But people will be understood. People must wait their turn and no one talks over others. Rather than thinking about what we are going to say, we’re listening.
The ‘talking stick’ really helps those who struggle with verbal communication. The problem that many have is they are not very good at arguments. Words are not their friends. So when they start to lose an argument, they simply shut down.
The ‘talking stick’ allows everybody to be heard and understood. So next time you can’t seem to connect, try a ‘talking stick.’ Remember what the Bible says, “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). I hope this idea helps you communicate with those you love.
You can read some of my other articles about communication: Communication Mishap (Funny), 5 Nails to Hold Your Marriage Together, 5 Practical Ways to Control Anger.